44 sunsets

Questioning everything is always the right thing to do. No situation is permanent; whether it's a place, a person, a feeling, a desire or even a passion. Everything changes. Time changes everything. The more I throw myself into the unknown, the deeper I know myself. I discover it, shape it, alter it as it seems appropriate. It's a soul-wrecking cycle, but a necessary one. 

We are who are. We always change and we never change. Accepting contradictions will never be easy, but that doesn't make them any less true. At least in my head, I know that it is. Changing or staying the same is one thing, and growing is another. Maturity is built upon by every growth we embrace by choosing to change, or to remain the same when encountered with a challenging situation. I choose to stay the same. I acknowledge what has been done. I'm aware of it and fully conscience about it. Same goes for what I did, and did not do. I know myself all too well; I know what I am and what I am not. Self-awareness was never a point of doubt. 

Matters of the mind are often puzzling, but never too complicated to grasp. Matters of the heart, on the other hand are hard. They confuse us, makes us believe what is not true. Feelings fool us into false assumptions and blind us from the screaming truth. At the end of a day, watching over a beautiful sunset, we are all weak beings. No matter how tough we pretend to be. We'll always long for acceptance and understanding. 

Giving is always the first step to receiving.

“One day," you said to me, "I saw the sunset forty-four times!"

And a little later you added:
"You know-- one loves the sunset, when one is so sad..."

"Were you so sad, then?" I asked, "on the day of the forty-four sunsets?"

But the little prince made no reply.” ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Out & About

I live and breathe the streets of the cities I live in.
It's about the backstreets, the narrow aisles and old neighborhoods.
That's where the stories are, that's where people live and create memories.
Not in the busy main streets nor in tall buildings and traffic.
I have no interest in living in a bubble, going from building to building in a private car avoiding the streets and the life around me.
I walk down the streets.
Sit in the middle of a public square observing life.
I take public transport.
I interact with my surrounding.
I explore, embrace and dive in head on. 

The Darker Side

This picture was taken on October 19th, 2016, at 19:38 in a bus stop (it was a bit darker initially) in Ingolstadt, Germany. I like this picture because it captured something that couldn't be expressed in words at the time; the obscurity of the struggle against bureaucracy, time, thoughts and the decisions that had to be taken back then. 

After spending that summer in Hamburg, I was considering transferring my studies to a university in Ingolstadt. I was admitted in a program that I liked very much, spoke with the professors, visited the university and the city and everything was looking good. Even though this uncertainty and ambiguity about my studies cost me an internship at the Airbus plant in Hamburg, I was still determined to make it work. But because we live in a world made up of obstacles, limitations and bureaucracy, this story seemed to be too good to be true. I wasn't allowed an extension of my visa in Hamburg because of administrative reasons that don't make much sense. Even though I was already in the country and had an official acceptance letter in a university study program, I was instructed to leave the country immediately when my visa ends and re-apply for a student visa at the German Embassy in Cairo. That's when I knew that things are only going to go from bad to worse.

It was ridiculously difficult to get an appointment in September and get the visa in time before the semester starts in October (on average you have to book an appointment some weeks or even months in advance and the visa itself takes up to 3 months to be issued). I still went on to do it. I got an appointment in the first week of September and applied for the visa. Thinking that it would only be a matter of time and it's not too bad if I catch the semester a month or so later, I was faced with more obstacles. The embassy asked for more documents and caused surreal tardiness to the issuance of my visa. Eventually, by the end of October I was "advised" to withdraw my visa application and re-apply for the visa in time for the following summer semester because they thought I applied "too late".

I had to make a decision between pursuing this and doing at least 4 more semesters of Bachelor studies, and going back to my university where I only had 2 more semesters left until graduation. Feeling utterly helpless and indescribably discouraged, I was in no state to make that decision. I was drained. So, I opted with the seemingly easy way. Which wasn't easy at all. I went back to my university and miraculously caught the semester some 2 months late. Registered my final-year project and now I'm nearly 3 months away from graduation. I've never related to the word bittersweet as much. I'm indifferent and struggling still to react to everything's that's going, even though this happened over 6 months ago.

The events never usually tell the whole story because the emotional and psychological impact they leave are hardly explained. All in all, I guess this only serves as a reminder that we're all just bricks in the wall. We shouldn't dare to attempt breaking away. But, I'll keep trying anyway. I may have lost this battle, but I'm not done yet. 

It goes on

At this point in my life, I'm realizing that sometimes we're faced with incredible challenges and put in difficult situations to learn some of the basic facts about life.

For instance, one thing is, that not everything we aspire for we can attain and no, it doesn't matter how hard you work or how much time and effort you put into something for it to happen. Sometimes it just doesn't happen and there's simply nothing you can do about it. It's beyond you. All you can do is accept this fact and move on with your life. It tests your patience, discourages you, makes you lose faith and consider giving up several times but at the end of the day it teaches the lesson and in the hardest of ways. So, this is nothing but a shout out to all those beaten down people, to all those who have done their best and haven't been rewarded properly, maybe only just yet. I stand with you.

I'm not saying that you will be rewarded for all your efforts or that there is light at the end of the tunnel or any of that shit. I don't know that for myself. We could spend our whole lives in this seemingly endless struggles; doomed for a lifetime of misery just because we dared to reach out and aim higher than what we're allowed to, as it seems. For all I know, we might as well stop;

Stop wanting more that we have. Stop reaching out attempting to feed our hungry souls that constantly yearn for better. There's comfort in mediocrity and maybe, just maybe, that's what we are: mediocre individuals who are trying to get out of their assigned role and become something they're not and that's why we're punished for it. What do I know?

What I do know is this, here's the silver lining: 

Do whatever you want to do in life but try to do it with the same intensity.
Do it with passion and do it with a smile on your face.
Be honest.
Be decent.
Be straightforward.
Ask for what you want with pride and
Never devalue your self-worth.

Whatever is meant to happen will happen no matter what you or anyone else does. After all, it goes on.

More is less. Less is more.

"I wish I could have done more"
"I wish I could do more"
"I hope I could get the opportunity to do more"
"I'm so upset. I'm not doing enough"

Are examples of thoughts that are almost always haunting me. I'm always stuck with this idea that I'm capable of doing much more than what I'm doing right now. I'm the kind of person that always pushes himself to the limits. I enjoy challenging my own limits. It makes me feel like I'm contributing to something, making good use of my limited time here, and that's what has always been pushing me to keep going and do things.

Up until now, I think it's been going pretty well for me; having that kind of mentality. I like it so much that I don't think I'll ever abandon it. It has grown on me so much that it has become an integral part of who I am. A personality trait, if you might say.

What I think I need though is to learn how to tame it, because it is as wild as a wild plant in the woods. It looks good from afar, but could get dangerously poisonous. I need to be at peace with the fact that I am actually doing well, sure, I could do more at any giving moment in my life, but that doesn't mean that I'm not doing enough at that very moment.

For everyone who believes in their hidden potential, their ability to achieve great things and are deeply saddened by their inability to live up to their own standards and accomplish as much as they would like to right now, I want you to take a moment and be glad that you're that person you are because you are a great person and the world needs more passionate and strong-willed people like yourself. 

It may not happen now, or even any time soon, but you will have your breakthrough and it will turn your life upside down, don't rush it. Your enthusiasm and excitement might fade away slowly with time, but that's okay, just try and keep some of it until your moment comes.

Have faith and hold on tight.
Great things take time.

Life, summed up

412 Days

Early in the morning,
right after sunrise,
when the streets are quiet and everyone's asleep, 

I still wander around our memories. 

I think of you, and I recall.
It all comes back rushing into my head and,
the weak muscle that sits in my hollow chest beats, still, for you.

For you'll always be my first, my only, and I'll always be yours.